Whys Get You Nowhere

 

There was something desperate about the look in her eyes, he noticed immediately, as he catered to the late night demands of the doorbell. It’s not like it was a surprise, to find her standing on his stoop unannounced, not much about her surprised him anymore. But something was off this night, something was colder and it wasn’t just the November chill.

 

She greeted him as normal, but he watched her hand shake mid-wave. He didn’t have time to even consider this however; she began chattering her way into his house practically before the door even finished swinging open. It’s nothing. He comforted himself, landing next to her on the well-worn couch.

 

“So, I got this new book yesterday, but no time to begin it of course life is just so hectic! Places to go, people to see, you know how it goes… it’s a wonder I even have time to breathe anymore!”

 

Time passed as always, she talked, he listened and occasionally prompted her on. This one-sided relationship has always been comforting, but tonight it was all wrong.

 

“I don’t know how you do it! Steady job, steady girlfriend. Where’s the fun in that?”

 

The time he spent listening to her was also time spent examining her, her ease and comfort and beauty. But he couldn’t help feeling, something’s just not right.

 

“I guess to each his own, huh? Max said that to me the other day… oh, before you ask, I don’t know how he is I’m done with that moved on with my life and all.”

 

Sitting attentively, noticing everything. He first zeroed in on her eyes, shifting around the room, avoiding his own. Her smile appeared more and more painful as the seconds ticked by. Her back, slouched against the seat cushions, looking tired and weary. Even her words seemed frantic and rushed, hiding something.

 

“Anyways, even if I was upset about Max, no need to dwell right? No one ever got anywhere from moping around. But I’m not sad, so it’s not the point. I even want on a date yesterday! You know that little Italian place downtown? I’ve gotten so into Italian food lately…”

 

As the first lights of dawn illuminated her face through the trees outside his window she said her goodbyes. He knew nothing more than he did when she tore in but somehow, that didn’t matter. Her eyes were dull now, yet they stayed focused in one place, she stood a little taller though her smile had abandoned her as the words trickled slower from her slowly tiring lips.

 

He knew something was wrong, and he knew she could handle it without him; she didn’t need him for that. What she had needed was a few hours of idle conversation, a few hours to forget whatever needed forgetting. Sometimes he wondered why she’d chosen him to listen to her late night chattering, why she always came back to him when she couldn’t even keep a boyfriend for more than a month.

 

Trudging to bed he comforts himself as always, reminding his frazzled mind not to dwell, because dwelling gets one nowhere, you just have to be thankful for what you have. After all, when have whys? Ever made a difference.

I'm back because I feel like being back, I need somewhere to talk again and this seems like the best place for me...

Okay, so you guys all know I'm not the most religious person in the world, right? (well, you do now...) That said, today was a very religious day...
I got to school this morning, and find out we have a liturgy first thing. Immediatley I go, YAY! Which is weird because I was actually looking forward to church, I wasn't just happy because Liturgy days mean like two second classes since we spend an hour or so in Liturgy.

Then, I'm stitting on the bleachers during the Liturgy and, what the guy says is actually making sense. Church has never like, applied to my life before so once again, that was just a weird moment. But, good-weird. So, yeah now I am happy :) And I want to go to church in Sunday for the first time in ages.

This is why I love IHA.

But anyways, like I said Liturgy got me thinking and I've come to a desicion. I am not wasting my time with negativity, and anger anymore. I won't let these petty things get to me anymore.If you want to see a movie without me, go ahead, have fun! I'll be the best friend and person I can be and simply hope the favor is returned. Jesus loved his enemies, same as he did his friends. Thats what I plan to do.

Secondly, what the guy said @ mass really stuck with me too. He told us, since it was all saints day, that we could all be "little" Saints, simply by living life. I think what he said, basically was, "You don't have to do extrodinary things to be an extrodinary person, simply go about your normal activities in extrodinary ways" So then I looked down @ my arm and realized what he was saying. Live Strong. Thats what my bracelet says and that was what this Liturgy said. Put 100% into whatever you do and things will work out for you. Now that, is something to strive for.

But even more than all of that, I realize something now, something that changes it all for me. Religion isn't something that just happens on Sunday in church. I can pray, and I can live God's purpose for me all the time!

So, sorry for the huge amounts of religion in this post. I'm still the same Jilly, I'm not becoming an obsessive narrow-minded christian like Jackson and other people we know... I'm just realizing some things... and anyways, these things make sense weather you belive in God or not. I promise I'll post later with some other topic stuff...

Love you all!

Jill

Good-morning! It is a good morning! I just had to pop in and say that because I can't remember a better morning in ages. It started w. my alarm clock not going off (pranking brothers) again. But 'twas all good because my mom woke me up just fifteen minutes late, still giving me enough time to do all that was needed and (as you can see) have free time, not to mention I got extra sleep. Then I got to the mirror and realized that those sit-ups I've been obsessing over are starting to show results... I look skinny-ish ;) My teeth seemed whiter this AM too... Anyways I'm just too cheerful today, when I get back I'll add an account of my day to this post but until then I shall leave ya'll hoping your day is as good as mine has begun!

GAH! I knew today was too good to stay good... -kicks random object- Okay so, today was okay. I mean I got a 95 on my math quiz and... yeah. Then I found out fifth period that I kissed this really gross loser who has a crush on me. I was like, "Huh? I've never even held a guys hand and I hate (gross kids name)!" Apparently this desprate freak has been telling people (again, he's done this before) that I am his girlfriend and now that I kissed him. Just the THOUGHT of kissing that moody PMSing (Yes he is a PMSign guy but he is crabby all the time) scab and snot eating freak makes me sick.(Coicedentally, I just thre up a few minutes ago...) So basically I had to try and dispell this rumor all day but no one'll belive me. maybe I can tell them it was an early april fools joke? (Or my evil twin did it!)

I'm baa-ck. I gave an actual real life friend the URL for this site and since she comlimented me so wonderfully on my entries I agreed to write more. So basically all of my loyal fans (er... that would be no one but, whatever) will now be getting more Jilly-ness each week seeing as Paneeni will most likely force me to actually write. not that I mind :)

Lets see, my room's coming along great I'll take a picture/ do a drwaing sometime soon so all of you can see the coolness of it and envy me, okay? Just as soon as I get my curtains, desk and bedspread. (Not to mention the chair and bed!)

Lets see... uneventful week so far, even for me! Monday we had off, today, turesday, I passed two quizzes and an essay and got to be a kindness elf! (lol Liz!) It's random act of kindness week in school and it was my job to spot good dooers and report them so we could give them candy. I only found three legit acts which sucks seeing as i tried to bait people all day with dropt books and falls. My school is full of meanies!

Much to update ya'll on but very little time, I have three-five more chapters of an english story to write, due tomorrow.

The play went okay, the show wasn't as good as last years seeing as none of the guys in our grades can sing, all the good male voices are now at the high school. The first two shows were normal but on the last night a peice of the set actually came crashing down, scraping a lead actress's arm up pretty badly. She was pulled out of any real danger luckily by another performer, Megan. On that night one of the lead guys also accidentally threw his hat into the audience and smacked the director's grandma in the eye. Plus my friend, Newsgirl #1 threw her newspaper in the lights during the credits and nearly lit the teater aflame. I also popped a pin during one of the dances and had to dance the rest of the number with my dress hanging below my bra because I couldn't free my hands to hold it up. Ugh. Plus Jason went to see the show that night so, yeah. Now my crush and 300 other people have seen my bra, how lovely. I think I jynxed the show by accidentally saying 'good luck' so I deserved the bra thing...

Re-doing my room is coming along wonderfully. I no longer have pink walls and carpeting now they're purple and green, my mom got all these totally awesom accesories and my furniture's coming tommorrow!